Russell Brand recites this year's masterpiece from West Ham United’s resident poet Michael Symons
Russell Brand recites West Ham United's resident poet Michael Symons' latest masterpiece for Christmas 2015...
'Twas the Night Before Christmas XV
Twas the night before Christmas, Remi’s Villa en Garde,
For weary Holte Enders, the going’s still hard.
Not so in East London where Slav’s on the throne,
This Croat’s a Hammer, he’s one of our own.
You’d not think it now but ’15 started slow,
Three draws in ten days were a damp New Year show.
An FA Cup classic under Boleyn Ground lights,
Adrian ditched his gloves, unbelievable sights.
The fourth round in Bristol, Diaf won the day,
Then floored at the Hawthorns, all sorts of dismay.
Late goals causing heartache, half-a-dozen points lost,
Daley Blind, Kane and Arnie all struck at great cost.
Much talk of fair play, though so few understand,
On our best behaviour, transgressions all banned.
The football a sideshow to Big Sam’s goodbye,
His mission accomplished, no one could deny.
But it was time to move on, all parties agreed,
Just left the small matter of who to succeed.
Big names in the running, only one fit the bill,
Ambition, charisma, a true iron will.
Two friends reunited as Dicks joins the crew,
No nonsense cult heroes together anew.
Scant time to prepare for a first Europe tie,
Andorrans no bother, still early July.
To spot-kicks in Malta and Diego’s cool head,
Unstuck in Romania, despite having led.
Back home it was frantic, Obiang numbered one,
Then steal of the summer, Dimi Payet deal done.
A Serie A winner and an Argentine gem,
The papers spew names, all the normal mayhem.
Jenks signed up at Arsenal and then scampered back,
Song’s ankle a nuisance, but business on track.
A Super Slav Sunday stunned Wenger and Co,
Reece Oxford colossal with Ozil in tow.
Petr came out to punch, Cheik had other ideas,
Wrong-footed by Mauro, first win there in years.
Soon back down to earth with a whacking great bump,
Two shock home defeats and there’s fear of a slump.
Of all hunting grounds Anfield’s surely our worst,
Precious little to speak of since Peters and Hurst.
Half-century hoodoo to smithereens smashed,
It’s carnage for Rodgers, not beaten, but thrashed.
Inside 30 minutes we silenced the Kop,
Diafra’s late third was the cherry on top.
New Stadium heaving for autumn events,
The fans get to see what this move represents.
Our new home to sparkle in Claret and Blue,
The seats and the concourse, a promise kept true.
Next year like no other, first Farewell Boleyn,
A roll call for legends, what memories within.
And then it's to Stratford, new chapters to write,
No boundaries, says Slaven, is glory in sight?
Pulling trees up at Forest, please welcome Michail,
We’ve Moses from Chelsea, Jelavic to unveil.
In front of the cameras Dimi dazzles the Toon,
With a ball at his feet you can’t help but swoon.
Heroics at Eastlands, the trio complete,
Sit up and take note, an astonishing feat.
An arrow from Victor beat Hart at his near,
The shocks keep on coming, we’ve no one to fear.
Four goals shared with Norwich and Stadium of Light,
Advocaat packed it in and Sam took up the fight.
So slick on the counter after Gayle’s red mist,
He’s better than Zizou, away fans insist.
Mourinho in meltdown, his Blues all at sea,
The villain, said Jose, Jon Moss, referee.
Two yellows for Matic, the boss banished too,
It got better still, Andy tightened the screw.
You can count on the Toffees to spoil the mood,
Our Dimi was flattened, at best it was crude.
A dark day at Tottenham, save a Lanzini blast,
Pace to burn at Old Trafford, opportunities passed.
With absentees many, we’re scrapping away,
Clean sheets all the rage, Adrian has his day.
Do hurry New Year when restored to full might,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas XV
Twas the night before Christmas, Remi’s Villa en Garde,
For weary Holte Enders, the going’s still hard.
Not so in East London where Slav’s on the throne,
This Croat’s a Hammer, he’s one of our own.
You’d not think it now but ’15 started slow,
Three draws in ten days were a damp New Year show.
An FA Cup classic under Boleyn Ground lights,
Adrian ditched his gloves, unbelievable sights.
The fourth round in Bristol, Diaf won the day,
Then floored at the Hawthorns, all sorts of dismay.
Late goals causing heartache, half-a-dozen points lost,
Daley Blind, Kane and Arnie all struck at great cost.
Much talk of fair play, though so few understand,
On our best behaviour, transgressions all banned.
The football a sideshow to Big Sam’s goodbye,
His mission accomplished, no one could deny.
But it was time to move on, all parties agreed,
Just left the small matter of who to succeed.
Big names in the running, only one fit the bill,
Ambition, charisma, a true iron will.
Two friends reunited as Dicks joins the crew,
No nonsense cult heroes together anew.
Scant time to prepare for a first Europe tie,
Andorrans no bother, still early July.
To spot-kicks in Malta and Diego’s cool head,
Unstuck in Romania, despite having led.
Back home it was frantic, Obiang numbered one,
Then steal of the summer, Dimi Payet deal done.
A Serie A winner and an Argentine gem,
The papers spew names, all the normal mayhem.
Jenks signed up at Arsenal and then scampered back,
Song’s ankle a nuisance, but business on track.
A Super Slav Sunday stunned Wenger and Co,
Reece Oxford colossal with Ozil in tow.
Petr came out to punch, Cheik had other ideas,
Wrong-footed by Mauro, first win there in years.
Soon back down to earth with a whacking great bump,
Two shock home defeats and there’s fear of a slump.
Of all hunting grounds Anfield’s surely our worst,
Precious little to speak of since Peters and Hurst.
Half-century hoodoo to smithereens smashed,
It’s carnage for Rodgers, not beaten, but thrashed.
Inside 30 minutes we silenced the Kop,
Diafra’s late third was the cherry on top.
New Stadium heaving for autumn events,
The fans get to see what this move represents.
Our new home to sparkle in Claret and Blue,
The seats and the concourse, a promise kept true.
Next year like no other, first Farewell Boleyn,
A roll call for legends, what memories within.
And then it's to Stratford, new chapters to write,
No boundaries, says Slaven, is glory in sight?
Pulling trees up at Forest, please welcome Michail,
We’ve Moses from Chelsea, Jelavic to unveil.
In front of the cameras Dimi dazzles the Toon,
With a ball at his feet you can’t help but swoon.
Heroics at Eastlands, the trio complete,
Sit up and take note, an astonishing feat.
An arrow from Victor beat Hart at his near,
The shocks keep on coming, we’ve no one to fear.
Four goals shared with Norwich and Stadium of Light,
Advocaat packed it in and Sam took up the fight.
So slick on the counter after Gayle’s red mist,
He’s better than Zizou, away fans insist.
Mourinho in meltdown, his Blues all at sea,
The villain, said Jose, Jon Moss, referee.
Two yellows for Matic, the boss banished too,
It got better still, Andy tightened the screw.
You can count on the Toffees to spoil the mood,
Our Dimi was flattened, at best it was crude.
A dark day at Tottenham, save a Lanzini blast,
Pace to burn at Old Trafford, opportunities passed.
With absentees many, we’re scrapping away,
Clean sheets all the rage, Adrian has his day.
Do hurry New Year when restored to full might,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.